An Interview with Christian Ex-LDS Mama, Liz Lowder
Are you on a Jesus Journey? Better yet, do you have a relationship with our Lord? We can do all the works, go to church, fulfill callings, learn about church and about gospel, but are we taking the time to know Him?
Today, we are hearing the story of a former LDS member, and ex-Mormon mama and wife, Liz Lowder who decided to do just that, build a relationship. It started while she was still in the church, but now overflows into all parts of her life.
It is not easy to get out of the mindset of working for His love, but we always have to remember, His love He freely gives.
Table of Contents for this Post
Listen to this Episode on the Podcast…
On a Jesus Journey and the Amazingness of Building a Realtionship
“That was the big thing that I think I didn’t realize, my faith was in my religion and not in God when I was there. I wasnfaithless in the religion.
Now, there are times where I feel like I’m in a season of waiting for what He has for me next. Sometimes I start to worry about it and I’ll think, oh, I’m not doing enough… I think, I need to up my praying time. Maybe I need to volunteer more, etc.
When I start getting into this works based thing, then I realized that I’m no longer trusting in Him when I do that.
I get into these cycles and it’s hard to break just because I, I did that for so long in that church. It was all works based faith. If something isn’t happening when I want it to, then I need to do something to make it happen instead of trusting God that this is the season He has for me now.
And I just need to appreciate what He’s giving me right now in this moment and go with it. And when I come back around to that, then I’m excited and happy again and shout and I’m like, woohoo! God has done good. You can’t do it yourself. Stop trying to do it yourself.
He’s got you. He’ll give it to you when you are ready for it. And when He’s ready to give that to you
I just take this deep breath and I’m like, oh yeah, God’s got me. He’s got me.”Liz.Lowder
Advice for Women Finding Faith
“Take a Jesus journey. Just seek him, whatever you do, no matter where you’re at. If you’re on the fence, if you want to stay or go, just search for Jesus, just make it all about Jesus in whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re struggling with.
Turn to him, find him where it’s only him. Let it be about him read about him. I feel like so many other things get put into it, but just make it all about him. Don’t make it about the works. Don’t make it about your church attendance about your callings, about, all those things. Just make it all about him.
And he will find you where you’re at. He will find you he’ll put his arms around you and he will hold onto you. He will grab you. And he will put you where he wants you. He will put you where he wants. You just make it about him. Like the verse Jeremiah 29:11 said, when you search for me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.
He’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. Just search him with all of your heart and he will find you and he will put you somewhere amazing. He will, he’ll just do something amazing in your life.”
How to keep going with your faith…
- Build a Community
Let’s share! Share your creative, God-led story, heal from the old religious junk and make friends while we do it. Support, friendship, and collaboration at the FB group —u003e Christian Women after Religion
More About Liz Lowder…
I’m Liz Lowder. I am married with 4 children. I am a stay-at-home mom who left the LDS church about 3 years ago. I have come into a relationship with Jesus since leaving the LDS church. In fact, Jesus is the one who led me out of the LDS church. My life is so different from what it was, but so much better. God is good.
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Full Transcript of Today’s Episode.
[00:00:00] Shelby: All right. So today we are here with Liz and this is going to be a really super cool episode because Liz is going to tell us about her story and her walk with Jesus. And I’m just so excited to have you. So thank you for doing this. I know Stories just means so much to people and we never know exactly what it is that someone needs to hear in order to help them on their journey with Christ.
[00:00:26] And it takes a lot to get out there and be able to actually tell your story and how God is working in your life.
[00:00:33] So I really do appreciate it. And thank you.
[00:00:36] Liz: Yeah, I’m so happy to be here.
[00:00:38] Shelby: stories just mean so much to people and we never know exactly what it is that someone needs to hear in order to help them on their journey with Christ.
[00:00:50] I just would like to open it up to you first off, how did you grow up and how has that shaped you now?
[00:00:56] Liz: I grew up in an LDS family. [00:01:00] So it was a little bit different cause my mom is Mexican and my father was not. And I don’t know, there was always that kind of weird little dynamic in there.
[00:01:08] But it wasn’t like a huge deal, but I did grow up LDS. Yeah, it was like this, the typical upbringing, we went to church every Sunday, I felt like I was raised really well. And I’m for that, I’m grateful for the church to have had that sort of, that family closeness. But when my, when I turned 14, my parents got divorced.
[00:01:29] And once they got divorced, they quit doing the church thing and. I quit, we all just quit doing the church thing. I was a wild child, doing everything I wasn’t supposed to be doing. And I actually got pregnant at 16 and had a little girl. And then I met my husband when I turned, I think I was 17 and we got married at 18 and I had another baby at 18.[00:02:00]
[00:02:00] So I’ve got two kids I’m only 18. And we had a good life and I still didn’t have anything to do with the church really. That was just something from when I was younger. And then when I was, I think I was 22 and I got pregnant with my third child, my son. And it was right after I had him.
[00:02:16] I was really wanting to I wanted those same morals and those get things from my kids that I was originally raised with. I didn’t want them being wild. Like I was, I really wanted them to have better things for themselves. And so I went back to what I knew, which was the LDS church. So at the same time, that I’m feeling this way.
[00:02:37] I’ve one of our. Home teachers, because somehow they had our records, so they dropped in and they’re like, oh, can we have the missionaries come visit? You guys. And my husband was he grew up the same way too. He grew up in an LDS family and then, teenager and we were wild and all that.
[00:02:56] And so I said, yes, he said no, like at the same time, or I was like, sure. And he [00:03:00] was like, no. And then he was like, looked at me surprised. And he was like okay, if that’s what you want to do. We had some sister missionaries who were super sweet, super nice. And they started giving us the lessons and we really wanted to go to the temple on our five-year wedding anniversary, because I think he typically have two.
[00:03:18] A year before you can go to the temple and be a full type, they there for a year, but they just went ahead and let us go early. So we hadn’t even been like going back for a full year because we just wanted to really go on our five-year wedding anniversary. So we went and we got to take all of our kids and be sealed in the temple.
[00:03:38] And when I went to the temple that first time, I wish I would have listened to that gut feeling. I was horrified. I hated that. I hated it. I was like this and I felt horrible. I was like, what is wrong with me? Why am I not feeling this amazing spirit? Why isn’t, there must be something wrong [00:04:00] with me because I hate this.
[00:04:02] And I was just just horrified by it. I was like, this is not, I don’t know. I just had the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach the whole time. And we had friends that went with us. So my family still isn’t in the church at all. It’s just me and my husband. Well, And his family, I guess they were in the church.
[00:04:22] But they said, it’s really important. Our friend said, it’s really important that you go back within the, another week or two after you’ve gone the first time. And so I was like, oh, I. Dreaded it so much. I did not sleep the whole entire night before we were going back the second time.
[00:04:36] And that’s the only time I’ve ever done that, that something has bothered me that much, that I literally could not sleep. So I didn’t get any sleep. We went the next day. And anyways, went and. Just kept saying, oh, I just need to try harder. Or, I remember saying, oh, I should’ve fasted.
[00:04:54] I bet if I would have fasted, I would have felt the holy spirit. It would have been [00:05:00] stronger and I’d have the same reaction with when I got my patriarchal blessing. Cause me and my husband both got our patriarchal blessing, during this transition, you know, this time going back to the church and mine was a little bit disappointing to me and I felt.
[00:05:15] Cause it was just seems so generic.
[00:05:16] Shelby: Yeah. So for those that people who don’t know what a patriarchal blessing is, would you tell us real quick? What that is?
[00:05:24] Liz: A patriarchal blessing is where they have a stake patriarch.
[00:05:30] That was like a blessing over you. It’s almost like a fortune teller a little bit. It just tells you things about your future. And if you stay close to the church and God, the blessings you’ll have in your life. And I think you’re also told what house or lineage you come from the 12th.
[00:05:48] And so that’s what that is.
[00:05:50] Shelby: The 12 tribes think it’s really confusing if you get into like the theology of it, because they’ve now proven that like we’re not of Jewish heritage. This is it’s very [00:06:00] confusing, but that’s what they say is that your lineage comes from anyways.
[00:06:04] Keep going.
[00:06:05] Liz: Yeah. And I’ve heard from other people, oh, their patriarchal blessing had so many amazing things promised to them and I got mine. It was like, oh, you’re going to go be still with your husband. And I was like duh, we’re going to do that in two weeks. So obviously, and then it was like, oh, and you’ll be able to you’ll have many colleagues in the church and you’ll be able to serve in the church.
[00:06:25] And there’s other blessings for you when you’re ready to receive them. I was just disappointed with it and I thought, oh well,
[00:06:31] I should have fasted. If I had fasted, if I had prayed more, it would have been more special. It would have been a more special patriarchal blessing.
[00:06:40] And I always, that bothered me for the years that we were in the church that always bothered me. And I always thought, I think I’m supposed to have another one because this one. It’s very disappointing, but now I just know that it’s all ridiculous. Anyways.
[00:06:56] So we’re raising our family in the church.
[00:06:58] We, and we did a lot of [00:07:00] moving in 2008. When we had all of the crazy, oh, what’d you have the recession did a lot of moving. I think we moved five times in one. And with all that moving and going through all these different boards and churches, we just quit going to church for a little while.
[00:07:18] And we finally got settled in a little town outside of the where we had been living. We were originally living in a bigger town and then when we moved and we loved it there, but we had to find affordable housing. So we had to move about 30 minutes outside of. Out of our town. And so once we got settled there, I thought, okay, I want to, I’m either all in or I’m all out.
[00:07:41] I can’t, I didn’t want to walk this line anymore where it was like I am Mormon, but I’m not. I’m going to be all in is what I decided. So I started going to church, get my kids going back. We’re doing everything. My husband on the other hand, He was like, eh, no, you know, he wasn’t into it that much, but he would [00:08:00] go.
[00:08:00] And just as just to make me happy, but he, so I don’t know how many years this was into our marriage. Probably we were at least at 10, we’d been married for 10 or 15 years. I don’t know, somewhere in there. Sorry. But he had gone on this down this rabbit hole where he found out all this stuff about the church and Joseph Smith and its history and everything.
[00:08:26] And he would tell me about it. And I would just be like, honey, you’re just reading anti-Mormon stuff. You just need to stick with the Mormon website. I was just telling him everything, but now I just cringe at what I said to him. Yeah, it was like, you’re just reading the wrong things and you’d be like, no, look, this is on the church’s website.
[00:08:47] And he would show me things and I’d be like, oh yeah, that’s shady. I was like, you know, cause I was like, you know, but we’re in the right church because I’d had experiences [00:09:00] from God while I was in the church that I absolutely would not deny that he came in and did. Something for me, I think there was a small period where I was having really bad anxiety and panic attacks.
[00:09:14] And so I just remember there was one day I just went to the bathroom and I prayed. And then I was trying to pray through this panic attack. And he just came in and he completely took it away. And I was, and it was just like, oh my goodness. And it was like, thank you, God. I was having these experiences where I knew that he was real.
[00:09:31] And anyways, we get, we go down this timeline, my husband doesn’t want to go to church. I had gotten my degree. I was working in social work and I hated it, hated social work. So I quit my job. And then I just felt horrible. I was like, what am I doing with my life? I just went to school for all these years, then all this money for degree, I hate I’m just sitting at home.
[00:09:51] And so I also had. Lost a bunch of weight. And I was like, oh, if I get healthy again, I will, that’ll make me happier. And so I [00:10:00] lost this weight and I still was like missing something and I got really depressed. And then at the same time, I was also wanting to have another baby, but I’m like 36.
[00:10:10] And my husband is no, he’s no more babies. He’s like, all of our kids will be out of the house. Like by the time we’re 40. No more babies. And and I was not upset with him for that. Cause I, I got it. I was like, okay, this is my thing. And that’s fair of him to not want another baby. I was like, so it’s just something I need to work through.
[00:10:29] I got depressed and I was just looking, it was really bad and I thought I cannot live like this. And and I’m so anti-medicine, I won’t take medicine. I wouldn’t go get on antidepressants or anything. And my solution was to find God, it was like, okay, Jesus, if you’re real, if you’re there, I need you now.
[00:10:48] I need you in this moment.
[00:10:49] Shelby: And where you going to church still at that time or where
[00:10:52] Liz: I was still attending church every Sunday and that’s when I said, okay, I’m going to [00:11:00] find Jesus. And I’m really getting buckled down. I’m not going to miss any church. I’m going to do every calling. They ask me to, I’m going to do all my visiting teaching.
[00:11:10] I’m going to start doing genealogy and temple work. Okay. So I’m like adding all these works in with this because I’m like, then God will meet me. He’ll find me and he’ll meet me. I just need to put in the work. So then I really just, had real strong into the internet. My religion into my churchiness.
[00:11:33] And so I’m going to church, but if I missing him, then never talking about Jesus there. So I start reading the four gospels because I’m like, that is where I’m going to get to know Jesus. He’s so much in the four gospels because I wasn’t getting enough of him in the book of Mormon. I would only, I liked 35 because I think that’s when Jesus comes.
[00:11:54] Visit he fights that’s where he’s most present in the book of Mormon, but it was so short and I was like, oh, I’m [00:12:00] done reading it already. I need more Jesus. So I went to the four gospels and I was also reading a book called the hiding place by Corrie 10 boom. And that book too was like, I dunno, I felt like it was almost scripture to me.
[00:12:14] I would read it as much as I would, my four gospels because of just her journey and all of her experiences with Jesus. I was like, how did she get that? Like, how does she have this relationship with him? How does she have this theme with him and there? And I, and it was play in my head cause I would be like, she wasn’t Mormon.
[00:12:30] She wasn’t LDS, but she has been so much stronger than any LDS person I’ve ever known. I would wrestle with that a little bit in my. And so then I started watching YouTube videos too. So I’m reading the four gospels. I’m just looking for Jesus anywhere. I can find him.
[00:12:47] Shelby: I remember that feeling of just being hungry for God.
[00:12:51] Like I really was like, I wanted a relationship with him. I didn’t even know what that really meant. I just remember being hungry for Jesus and not [00:13:00] getting it. It sounds like that’s where you were to.
[00:13:03] Liz: Yes. That’s what it was. I didn’t even realize that’s what w like you said, I didn’t realize that’s what I was wanting, but it was like, but I just knew that I needed or wanted more of him.
[00:13:12] So I’m just searching for him. I call it my Jesus journey. Cause I’m just looking everywhere for him. And I would watch near-death experiences trying to find people talk about if they died and if they seen him. And there were a few stories I heard. That, interesting, when you have it on YouTube and then a video ends, another one starts, automatically gets another one would start and it would usually be like Christian person telling their testimony of Jesus.
[00:13:39] And so I’d sit there and listen to you and I’d be like, oh, that’s that’s a really cool story. I can’t believe how he came and worked in your life and completely changed it. And so then I started, I was like I would need to hear more of that, but I need it. From my religion. I need it from people who are in the right religion.
[00:13:55] So I start trying to find LDFs testimonies and I can’t, [00:14:00] I, all I get are people talking about their testimony of the church and of Joseph Smith. You don’t ever actually talk about Jesus or how Jesus came in and changed their life. Like I was hearing from these other people who were not LDS.
[00:14:15] Then I had to start listening to the Christian people’s testimonies. And I had come across, there was one, a YouTube video of this girl named Melissa Denae has a YouTube channel called wonderful acts. And she was just talking about how she was like dating Jesus. And she would go out on dates with them and how he was doing all these things in her life.
[00:14:37] And I was offended. I was like offended. I was like, he can’t talk about Jesus like that. You can’t do that. That’s a weird, like offended me, but then I would I’m going on this journey.
[00:14:48] And then my husband finally agrees and he says, yes, let’s have another baby. And I’m like, that’s it. This has God answering my prayers because I have been going to church. I’m doing, temple work. I’m doing [00:15:00] everything I’m supposed to. So I get pregnant with my daughter. And I remember when I got pregnant with her and I was just so grateful.
[00:15:10] I told God, I made a promise to him. I said, I promise that I will make sure that she knows you. And. And he did something really supernatural for me. During that pregnancy, during all of my pregnancies, I always would get this, like this fear, like just this weird fear that I was going to die or something horrible was going to happen.
[00:15:29] And I dunno if it was just the pregnancy hormones or what, why would do that? And, but I would freak out for my entire pregnancy. And so that started happening with her and it just, it got really bad. And so I just, I remember praying to him. And about my fear. And he took it from me the whole rest of my pregnancy.
[00:15:48] I would try to like, I would even test it. I try to put those thoughts that would make me scared. And it was like, they just couldn’t stay in me if this felt like they would just at least out of the top of my head and go into like smoke in the air. It’s what [00:16:00] it felt like to me. And it was like, wow, this is really cool.
[00:16:02] I still had, a few worries here and there, but nothing like the weird fear. And so that was another thing that it was like, God has got is so good. He’s helping me through this. And during this time too, as I’ve been reading the four gospels and he’s doing these things for me, I felt really drawn to the cross.
[00:16:19] And so I went and got myself across Nicholas and I worked right with, every day I wore it to church. I didn’t care if anybody saw me wearing a cross the church, because I would just tell them, this is what Jesus did for me was on the cross. And I love it. Kind of Pulling closer to him, but I don’t really realize that I don’t really have the right him quite yet.
[00:16:38] So I, go through it. I have my daughter she’s born in October and then in March she was born in October of 2018. And so then in March of 2019, I had heard that they had made changes in the temple about the promises, the covenants that the women make. So they no longer made those promises to their husbands, but we’re [00:17:00] now making them directly to God.
[00:17:02] And I thought that is huge. I was like, that is a huge change. And I was like, so what I like, oh, I have to go back to the temple and re renew my covenants because that’s completely different from what I did. And then I’d read somewhere. It was like no. They’re saying, the leaders of the church are saying you don’t got to go back and redo your covenants.
[00:17:22] You’re covered. You’re good. And I was like that doesn’t sound right. Because I was like, God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Why did they need to make changes in his temple? Why wouldn’t God have got it right. The first. I was just, I was really wrestling with that. And especially because I’d had such a horrible experience at the temple that I was always struggling with it anyways.
[00:17:46] And so I was like, okay, get out my YouTube. Cause I’m doing everything on YouTube. And I came across a video by grant Palmer who I believe he was like a church historian. He actually [00:18:00] worked for the. And just had all this history on it and he was disfellowshipped. I don’t quite remember what all of the, I think because he just told the truth and said what the history was and the church didn’t like it,
[00:18:15] but he goes into this video. I think it was about two hours long and tells all the history of the church. And so I’m just listening to it, I got done with it and I just sat on my. I don’t think I can go back to this church and it, everything was unraveled in two hours of this video, but it was, but it took so long for me to be ready for it to be unraveled.
[00:18:42] I feel like in that Jesus journey, like he was working on me to get to that point where I could see it clearly without. Just took the blinders off my eyes and just open them up. And it was like, whoa. And it was so shocking to me. And it re that’s [00:19:00] literally what it felt like somebody had just removed the scales from my eyes and I could just see it so clearly what the church was and God wasn’t there.
[00:19:10] It was perverted, I just sat in my bed and I was like, I don’t think I can go back to that church. And my husband came home and I told him, and he was like, whoa, shot that. I finally got this. And he’s see, that’s what I’ve been telling you. He probably, cause I think he’d been out of it for at least three or four years before I came to this.
[00:19:29] He was always like, I was just afraid you were going to divorce me if I didn’t go to church with you. And that never crossed my mind. I never, ever would have divorced you for that church. I believed it, but I was not that I dunno that far into it, but it was so hard bleeding at the same time, because I felt like it’s so indoctrinated into you that if you leave the church, you’re going to go to hell.
[00:19:55] That’s one of the few sins. they took it out of darkness. If you leave it, [00:20:00] if you had the two gospel and then you denied it. So that was really tough for me.
[00:20:04] Shelby: Yeah, that was, that part was hard for me to that part was was tricky.
[00:20:08] Liz: you know,
[00:20:09] Shelby: it’s so crazy now is now that I’ve brought this up with so many people who are still in the church, I think they’re changing a little bit on their perspective on this because they keep telling me that I never learned that. And that I would never go down and it hurts my feelings a little bit, because that was a really big deal for me.
[00:20:28] Because when I left there was no internet. And so I, there was nothing that I felt like I could actually get my hands on that said this isn’t true. It’s just, I knew it wasn’t. And so it was a. There was still this little thing in the back of my mind for years and years saying, but what if they’re right and here I am, I’m going to go to outer darkness.
[00:20:48] It was a big deal for me
[00:20:50] Liz: I get, that’s what it was for me too. Cause it was that little thing. But what if they’re right? What if I’m wrong in this? Because I’ve been wrong. I thought this was all right. And I’ve been fooled for, [00:21:00] however many years.
[00:21:02] And so it’s you can’t trust yourself either. When I left, had a really hard time being able to trust myself. And if I even knew what I was doing, I’m like if I believed in this and it was all wrong, then how can I trust the next thing that I do? How can I trust that there really is a God, how can I trust these things?
[00:21:23] But I was so lucky to have had that Jesus. In that year two beforehand, that he was really with me, that I ended up. I’m so glad that I didn’t lose him when I left. Cause I know, and I can see how people can lose him when they leave, because it just messes with your head so much that you believed in this life for so long.
[00:21:48] Shelby: Yeah.
[00:21:49] Liz: And the very last Sunday that I went to church. It was Palm Sunday, the Sunday, before Easter and Easter fell on the first weekend of [00:22:00] April. And so it was testimony meeting and everybody was getting up and sharing their testimonies and not one single person. Talked about Jesus, not one single person said anything about Jesus.
[00:22:12] One woman got up and was like, shaman. Another lady said, I cannot believe this woman actually questioned one of our leaders. And then, you got the old guy just talking about what he did last week, going on for ever. And I was. Telling my husband, cause he went with me. I said, nobody’s talking about Jesus.
[00:22:31] And so I was the last speaker and I got up there and I just gave a testimony of Jesus and I’d left it only with Jesus. And said, that he’s saved me. I believe in him. What he did for me on the cross and of us would be here if he hadn’t done what he did on the cross for us. And I left it at that.
[00:22:48] And that was the last time I ever went to church and I left it with my testimony of.
[00:22:53] Shelby: That’s beautiful, actually. Like what a way to depart. I think that’s what so many of us wish we could go back and do [00:23:00] is just tell everybody about Jesus, but that’s so beautiful that you were able to actually have the opportunity to do that.
[00:23:05] Who knows, maybe it actually planted a seed with somebody else who was there that day. That’s awesome.
[00:23:11] Liz: Yeah. And I think maybe it did cause I would be friends with people on Facebook or belonged to the thing. And I would hear some ladies and I was surprised to see them say, even say this they’re like, oh, I wish there was more Jesus at church.
[00:23:22] How can we don’t talk about Jesus very often. And I was like, whoa, I’m surprised you were actually spitting this out on social media. But anyways I remember too, as I was going through this transition. I was praying, you’re talking to God. And he told me with my daughter, because I had made that promise to him that I would make sure that she knows him.
[00:23:45] And he had told me, if you have to know who I am first before you can teach her about me. And so I was like, okay. And that is why you got me out of this church. I just, I credit all of that to God. It was all Jesus. There’s [00:24:00] no way I could have left that church without him. If he was. Walking right along with me.
[00:24:05] And I feel like he just had me by the arm the whole time, just leading me so gently. Like I can see it now. It’s oh, he just taking me through these little tiny steps. I’m getting you ready, Liz for the big reveal that you’re in a lie. And I did have this transition period after I left that. I went like towards new age stuff. And I was just looking into everything, just trying to find out where he was. And I did start getting into the new age stuff a lot and I took a step back and I said I gotta, I need to make sure that this is okay. And so I started doing my research, my, my YouTube research.
[00:24:43] That’s what I do, I YouTube and try to find what other people say and I’d come up. Other people that had been a new agent came out and I think Doreen virtue was a big person. And I listened to her to her testimony of coming out of new age. And I said okay. That’s not the right thing to be doing.
[00:24:59] I need to [00:25:00] pursue God. Somewhere else.
[00:25:02] Shelby: I think that trust really leads us a lot to the new age stuff. And what I found in my little walk with the new age stuff too, is it it does mirror the Mormon kind of philosophy a lot in the fact that it’s workspace.
[00:25:16] Like you, you have the ability to do all of that. On your own, you can do it all. And you just have to find that, that piece inside of you, that makes you realize how great you are. And I think that the new age stuff really what I felt like I had in the LDS church. And then that’s what I felt like I had.
[00:25:35] When I went more new age my big moment for it all was when I realized that was not true at all, that I really was never going to be enough. And that is completely okay because he’s enough for me, but it took a while to get there.
[00:25:50] Liz: I’m still going through this journey and I don’t think that I completely understand who Jesus is.
[00:25:55] I know that he’s real and that I love him, but I don’t, but I [00:26:00] haven’t really like. Understood what he’s actually done for me, so I went through that new age stuff and I stepped away from it because like you said, I felt like it, it is another thing where it’s oh, you just connect to your higher self.
[00:26:14] It’s we’re like, we are our own gods. So you just need to, connect to your higher self and your higher self will lead you to where you need to be. And, So God led me to a church in my town that I love so much and still part of it. And I met some amazing people there. And so I went there like once or twice, and then I quit going.
[00:26:38] I went and got another social work job and I don’t know why. I think I was still wrestling. I was still wrestling with this. Like I got this degree. I shouldn’t be working, even though I have a brand new baby at home, I’m going to go to work. And I really struggled. I hated it. And I thought, what am I doing?
[00:26:55] I should be home with my daughter. I don’t need the money. I just feel like I need to work.[00:27:00] So I go to work and. I just hate it and I leave and I’m like, okay, I’ve only worked there for a few weeks.
[00:27:06] I felt horrible because then I told them hope I’m quitting after, maybe a month of working there. And I don’t know what happened in that moment or what I done, but that was when I cheerleader. And I think I was going to church at the same time. And I realized, and I was listening to these videos and this wonderful acts, chick, Alyssa Denae, cause then I really started listening to her and I was like, realizing, wow, actually I could do this.
[00:27:34] God could do the same things with me that he’s done with you. And, she would talk about how he got her an apartment and how he was just watching out for her and all these amazing things that’s happened for. And I was like, I could have that. That’s real that. That his relationship with Jesus.
[00:27:51] And I just remember being like so excited and so happy. I was just like, so even though I’m quitting my job, I’m like [00:28:00] so excited because I’m like, Jesus has got something else for me. I don’t have to be here working where I hate he’s going to give me something that I love. And I just remember being so excited and I like had this big smile on my face. It’s like PERMA grant. I swear for like at least three weeks where I just couldn’t stop. I just can’t wait. Like I was so excited and so happy and just like bursting and I would be driving in my car and I just be like screaming. Cause I was so excited just for Jesus. Cause I’m like, anything is possible in my life now.
[00:28:33] So I leave my job and then my husband and I, we’re trying to, we’re still living in this little.
[00:28:41] And we’ve been trying to buy the property for quite a few years and it just was not working out. Like we just could not get the funds we’d been trying to go in and get a mortgage. And my husband’s self-employed so it just made that process so much harder when you’re self-employed and then I didn’t have a job, showing income.[00:29:00]
[00:29:00] And so I’d been praying and asking God about it. And he gave me Jeremiah 29 11, which I’m just going to, I wonder if I think I have it pulled up here. I love this so much that he gave this to me in this time.
[00:29:16] It says I’ll show up and take care of you. As I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out plans to take care of you. Not abandon you plans to give you the future you hope for when you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.
[00:29:31] Yes. When you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else I need to make sure I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. God stick Cree. I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back and that’s from the message Bible. He gave it to me and Jeremiah and I’d read it in, like in my NIV.
[00:29:49] Oh. And I love different versions of the Bible. I don’t use the king James version. I love my NIV. I love my message Bible. I love being able to look at all the different versions. So he gave it to me and I was [00:30:00] reading in the NIV and I wasn’t quite getting it. And he kept giving it back to me and I kept going back to this and I was like, I don’t get it.
[00:30:05] So I went to another version and then I got it. I was like, oh this is God speaking to me. So we ended up getting approved for a mortgage. So we started looking back in our original town that we love so much, and it was such a process.
[00:30:22] It was so hard. So stressful, just getting to that point. And then I went house shopping the very first day found a house. So he moved us back home and it was so good when we closed on our house.
[00:30:34] It was just like this huge breath of air. And it was like, God has brought me back home. He’s brought me back home. Cause that’s where my church was at two. So I was having to drive like 30 minutes to go to this new church I’d found. And so he brought me back home and it was amazing too because my husband needed a new shop because he was working from our old shop at our other house.
[00:30:57] And he literally found a shop that [00:31:00] it was like right around the corner from our house. It’s like a seven minute walk, a two minute drive. So he’s super close to being home with the family. And I was like, that is definitely from God. And I did have something happen. I had a family member tell me that they were into the new age death, and they said you will never be happy in this house.
[00:31:24] That is a mistake for this house that you’ve gotten. And you will never be happy. You chose the wrong house. And I was like freaking out. I was like, what? No. And I was so worried. And so I was praying to God. And I opened up my Bible and sat down and I was outside and the wind blew and it blew back a couple pages.
[00:31:42] And I was like, okay, God must want me to read this page. I was like, but where do I start at? And then I looked straight down and I saw this one sentence, like the very last sentence on this page. And it said Go in peace. God has blessed your journey or something along those lines. I was like, oh my [00:32:00] goodness, this is amazing.
[00:32:02] As a guide, you just spoke to me like you’re so good. You literally spoke to me through your word. And he does sell the time. He does it all the time. When he wants to tell me something, it is, I will find it in the Bible and it’ll be. The perfect thing that I’m needing at that moment. It’s he’s literally speaking to me through his word.
[00:32:25] So we did our move up to Idaho falls is where we went back to and we just love it up here and I’ve still. I’m in a waiting period. So I left that job. I’ve been up here for a couple of years and I’m still feel like I’m waiting for that thing, that God’s going to give me in my life. But he has also told me that actually wrote, I guess exactly what he told me.
[00:32:52] He told me that he’s to seize this time to find him and to really search him and know him. And he tells [00:33:00] me that he’s blessed me with this time. So to really look for him and to know him. Cause that’s kinda been my thing. And I just want to know you so much better. I want to know everything about you, all the parts about you.
[00:33:13] I don’t want to get it messed up in my head again. And so I’m in this time right now, where I’m at home with my daughter and she is three now and also my other son, my two oldest are moved out and married. Have a grandkid. And so I’m at home with my 17 year old and my three-year-old daughter.
[00:33:33] And so I took my 17 year old out of school and he’s just hanging online school so I can be here helping him with that. I get to be home with my daughter just loving on her, because that is the best. And I’m just learning to appreciate, like God has given me this time to be home with my kids.
[00:33:47] He’s given me time. To spend with him. I wake up in the morning and I spend time with him. I go into his word and I pray to him and sometimes I’ll do a little Bible study book or I’ll have [00:34:00] other books that I’ll read. And I just get to spend time with him and talk to him and he is so good. He’s just so good.
[00:34:08] There’s, he’s given me so much that I’m like, I just feel like I’m bursting at the seams because of how much he’s given me. And. And it’s so different. Having a relationship with him. I have relationship with him he’s he talks to me there’s one time I was praying to him and he was like dance with me. And I was like, what?
[00:34:29] I got up and did the dumbest little jiggy dance. And I felt really stupid. And I was like, that was weird. And then I was doing my workouts and I turned on my praise music and my daughter starts dancing and I start dancing and I was like, oh, this is the way, this is how you want me to dance with you. And so I’ll turn on my praise music and I will dance.
[00:34:52] And I really feels like it’s like another form of worship too. That praise music and dancing with them. And it’s just this, [00:35:00] I don’t know. It just brings all this joy and it really feels like I’m having relationship. I have this relationship with them. Oh, beautiful though.
[00:35:08] Shelby: It really is just the fact that, think about where you came from being so hungry for him.
[00:35:14] And then now being able to actually, talk with him and listen to him and how he speaks to us. And I say that all the time, so many people ask me, they’re like how do you hear from him? Cause I’m like, God told me to blah, blah, blah. And they’re like, yeah, How did you, how does he talk to you?
[00:35:28] And I’m like it’s called his word for reason. He speaks through his word and he does speak to us in other ways too. But just spending that time in his word just changes everything
[00:35:40] Liz: it does. I received most of his talking. He does to me through his word, but, there’s those times when I’m praying or that little thought will come into my head and I’m like that.
[00:35:51] That is from God. That is something he wants me to do. He, I just he’s filled me up. And I just, I tell people this, like [00:36:00] from the tips of my toes, to the top of my head out my fingertips, he is Filled me up like it is, my cup runneth over, I am just filled completely and it’s amazing.
[00:36:13] It is the best feeling ever. And he just he’s done so much. And he’s, my life has changed so much too lots of my relationships. So I had, friends and people that I was hanging out with them. There was one person in particular that I was just so close to and just my very best friend. And I remember in this season of finding him and laying down at night and I just finished reading my Bible.
[00:36:37] He told him that he said, you’re going to have to give up that relationship. And I thought, that’s, I guess that’s weird. Yeah. I was like no, that couldn’t have been from God because no way we’re the relationship was so tight and so close, but something did end up happening that. Me going in the direction of Jesus severed that closeness.
[00:36:59] And I did [00:37:00] have to, were still, friends and close, but we’re, it’s not like it was all of my relationships have really changed with the people I hung out with and even with my family, cause telling my kids what I learned, especially my. My middle son, cause he was really into the church and he was just getting ready to turn 18.
[00:37:20] And I had been bugging him about going on a mission. I was like you don’t have, he didn’t want to, he really didn’t want to. And I was like, you don’t have to, but I would be disappointed if he didn’t, giving him the mom guilt trip. And then all of a sudden, God opens up my eyes and I’m like, oh by the way, I’m not going to go to church anymore.
[00:37:38] And they’re all like what, And so he just thought that I was going to hell, and but he started doing his own research. So he would ask me, you’d be like, so what did you learn? So why, what made you change your mind? Because he saw me, he knew how I was. He knew that I was, in it and that I, always bugging the family cause God go to church, God do this.
[00:37:57] Being a good Mormon. And so he wouldn’t [00:38:00] ask me. And so he started doing his own research and he came to the same conclusion and he would come to me and be like, mom, did you know that, this and this about church history or whatever. And I’d be like, yep. Yep. That’s one of the things I learned.
[00:38:13] And so I think he was in his senior year. And so he would bring up his questions to his seminary teacher. And I think that caused a little bit of, I don’t know, intention. And then he brought his girlfriend with. And was showing her the same things. And now they’re married neither, and neither one of them are in the church, but they’re that they’re agnostic.
[00:38:33] So they haven’t really come to Jesus. So that part’s a little bit hard. My husband is the same way too. And so they struggle with my, they struggle with my relationship with Jesus just that they don’t understand it quite yet. They, I think they see it more as like that I’m still in religion and I try to tell them no, it’s not religion.
[00:38:56] It’s not about religion. It’s relationship. [00:39:00] I’m like, I don’t have to go to church. I don’t have to do that and still have a relationship with Jesus, but I choose to, because I want to be around other people who, who know Jesus, I want to fellowship with them and be surrounded by other people who, you know, the same Jesus that.
[00:39:16] Shelby: Yeah, because our worth is not determined in when you’re, when we’re a Christian, when we’re truly, we truly have that faith and we truly are walking with Jesus. It’s our worth is not determined by us showing Jesus or the things that we do as a Christian. That’s not, it’s not how it works. Our faith is what.
[00:39:38] Changed us. It transformed us and that’s just it’s like an overflowing. You said my cup runneth over. It’s like an overflowing of him inside us.
[00:39:48] Liz: I mean,
[00:39:48] Shelby: I walked for 20 years after leaving the church as somebody who didn’t really know where I was going, I was lost. I was godless for a long time.
[00:39:55] I guess you could say agnostic. I didn’t even know what that word was, but yeah. Did the new age thing said it [00:40:00] was Buddhist for awhile? I did also, I went to church sometimes to Christian Church and I’d be like, yeah. And I didn’t like seasons of it, but I didn’t walk with Jesus, but I love about what your story, everything you’re talking about even when you were in the LDS church, how you had moments with God, because I didn’t realize that I had to,
[00:40:17] Liz: I mean,
[00:40:17] Shelby: I knew I had, but I didn’t know what that meant.
[00:40:20] Until after I was gone after I found Jesus and I realized he had been there the whole time, he had been walking with me the whole time and he walks with all of us the whole time. And so we just prayed for those moments when other people will also. Also find him, cause it’s not it’s not easy once you leave and that trust is broken so much, but you just pray that they will.
[00:40:44] So I will keep your family in my prayers as well, because he works. He works in big ways. He does.
[00:40:51] Liz: That was a big thing that I think I didn’t realize my faith was in my religion and not in God when I was there, [00:41:00] I faithless in the religion and there are times. You know how I feel like I’m in my season of waiting for what he has for me next and I’ll, but when I start to worry about it and I’ll think, oh, I’m not doing enough.
[00:41:13] I need to, maybe I need to up my praying time. I don’t know. Maybe I need to volunteer more when I start getting into this workspace thing. Then I realized that I’m no longer trusting in him when I do that. It’s oh, I’m going into this because I’m not trusting you. I’m not interesting. And I do it a lot.
[00:41:33] I get into these cycles and it’s hard to break just because I, I did that for so long in that church, it was all like workspace based faith. Faith-based, it’s something isn’t happening when I want it to, then I need to do something to make it happen instead of trusting God that this is the season he has for me now.
[00:41:50] And I just need to appreciate what he’s giving me right now in this moment and go with it. And when I come back around to that, [00:42:00] And then I’m all like, excited and happy again and shout and I’m like, woo. God has done good. Dental is you can’t do it yourself. It’s stop trying to do it yourself.
[00:42:10] He’s got you. He has for you. He’ll give it to you when you are ready for it. And when he’s ready to give that to you and then I’m, and then it all goes away and then I’m just not stressed out anymore. And I’m like, I didn’t like, I just take this deep breath and I’m like, oh yeah, God’s got me. He’s got me.
[00:42:27] Shelby: I agree. I agree. It’s just so amazing though. When you actually do find him and you realize just how incredibly peaceful and how loved you can feel, even if things are crazy all around you, it doesn’t matter about all the, the world could burn down.
[00:42:44] And we’d still be shouting because it’s just that much love and it feels so, so different. And you wish you could just give that to people, but it’s not always an easy thing to be able to help other people to find they have to go on their own faith journey too. [00:43:00] But if you could give somebody advice who has maybe just left the church or is just thinking about leaving the church, right in that time where.
[00:43:09] They’re dealing with the trust and they’re wanting to find God, what would you tell them?
[00:43:16] Liz: I tell them, take Jesus journey. Just seek him, whatever you do, no matter where you’re at. If you’re on the fence, if you want to stay or go, just search for Jesus, just make it all about Jesus in your, in whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re struggling with.
[00:43:34] Turn to him, find him where it’s only him. Let it be. I just want to say that whatever it is, make it about him read about him. I feel like so many other things get put into it, but just make it all about him. Don’t make it about the works. Don’t make it about. Your church attendance about your callings, about, all those things, just make it all about him.
[00:43:58] And he [00:44:00] will find you where you’re at. He will find you he’ll put his arms around you and he will hold onto you. He will grab you. And he will put you where he wants you. He will put you where he wants. You just make it about him like that. That verse said Jeremiah 29 11, when you search me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.
[00:44:20] No, and he won’t, he’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. Just search him with all of your heart and he will find you and he will put you somewhere amazing. He will, he’ll just do something amazing in your life. And so that would be my.
[00:44:35] Shelby: I love it. I love it so much because it’s so the truth, just when you put your trust in your faith, in him above anything else, big things, huge things happen.
[00:44:46] In fact, he says he, he literally said. Faith like that,
[00:44:49] Liz: you know,
[00:44:50] Shelby: the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.
[00:44:52] Liz: I mean,
[00:44:52] Shelby: It’s just so cool. It’s so cool.
[00:44:54] Liz: Well,
[00:44:54] Shelby: Thank you so much for coming on today and for sharing your story. I really feel it’s going to speak to so many [00:45:00] people who are in that moment of trying to figure it all out because that that loss of trust is a really big deal for people.
[00:45:07] And knowing that. The only person that they have to put trust in is not even a person at all. It’s our creator and he is amazing. And that is where our trustees to go. And I think your story is just going to help people in just that way. So thank you.
[00:45:20] Liz: Thank you so much.